Musings of a Hopeless Romantic

waiting...

2009-12-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

Symtoms of love

2008-06-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

10. You are the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i fall sleep.

9. Just thinking about you puts the biggest smile on my face and my hearts beats faster and faster

8. Every love song i listen, i think of you.

7. I re - read all our canvas over and over again.

6. When we are together, i never want the moment to end, i want it to last forever and ever.

5. Whenever i am with you or look at you nothing else in the world matters. I am blind to everything but you!

4. I am on cloud nine just the way you smell.

3. Just by hiring your voice, i get butterflies and can't help but smile.

2. I miss you even before you leave.

1. I would do anything in the world for you since you are my world and my everything

My Canary

2008-06-24T01:54:00.000-07:00

Once, during the early years of my adolescence, I had a pet canary, I kept him in a small cage, which I placed on the porch table. I never forgot to feed him regularly, a task, which I never entrusted to anybody else.

I remember the time when I used to sit there on the porch, just listening to his beautiful singing. Whenever my friends called on me, I very often showed them my prize canary with pride.

But one day, a terrible thing happened. After I had fed him, I did not notice that I had left the cage door open. In a matter of minutes, he was gone. My favorite pet had flown away, leaving behind him the empty cage, which I taught was so beautiful, and was not mere reminder of the happy days when I used to hear him sing.

My first reaction was to try to get him back, no matter what it cost. I saw him perched on the fence, his wings not used to flying over long distance. I immediately rushed into the house and got my air rifle. I was desperate, and the only thought that was in my mind was to capture the creature even if it meant that I had to kill him. Fortunately, I was too late, when I returned he was already gone.

I was angry at everything. I kept on telling myself that I was unjust, after all the trouble I went through taking care of the bird. I could bear it if I was to see him in the possession of another person. Maybe, that was the reason why I wanted to kill him rather than to let him fly away.

Days passed. One afternoon, just as the sun was about to set, I was sitting out on the porch. Suddenly, I heard him singing. I was surprised to hear it because canary birds are seldom seen there, and when you hear one singing, you cannot just mistake it for some other bird’s son. It is my canary singing.

I looked up and saw him, perched on one of the limbs of the tree. That time, I felt a longing inside me to have him back. He was so close yet it was so impossible to catch him. But the feeling quickly passed, because I realized that the song I was hearing was just the same as, if not more beautiful than the song that I heard from the cage. The song was still mine, mine to hear, mine to enjoy for a moment.

As I looked at the yellow bird high up on the branches of a tree, it seemed as if he was happier then, because he was free. He was still my bird, yet he was free. That was the time I began to realize that every bird can and does sing a beautiful song. Unlike before when I only know how to listen to the song of a bird in a cage, now I learned how to listen to every bird I hear. As long as I hear them, they were mine.

From that day on, I never saw my canary again. However, I was glad that he was able to escape from his prison because through that I was able to see the real value of possession. My property does not end at the place where the fence surrounding my house stands. A creature, as long as it gives me pleasure whenever I see or hear it, belongs to me.

My neighbor’s pet dog is rightfully mine if he wags his tail in joy when he sees me coming. Real possession can be mine to a greater degree than the master’s if the bond of friendship between that dog and me is greater.

Beauty can also be an object of possession. Even a spider’s web is a thing of beauty. Very often, I would watch spiders spinning their webs. I would be tempted to destroy the web. I think that it is in man’s nature to have sadistic tendencies. However, I would hold back my hand for i know that the fulfillment of my savage tendency is nothing when compared to the pleasure of appreciating the beauty of nature. Only then can I say that I am the richest man on earth.

Rules of Love

2008-06-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

1. Kiss on the lips means I love you.
2. Kiss on the ear means you are mine.
3. Kiss on the nose means laughter.
4. Kiss on the cheek means friendship.
5. Kiss on the forehead means I comfort you.
6. Kiss on the neck means I want you.
7. Kiss on the shoulder means you are wonderful.
8. Kiss anywhere else means be careful.
9. Play around with Hair means can’t live without you.
10. Holding hands means happiness.
11. An arm around waist means you are mine/I need you.
12. A hug means I care.
13. Nibble on ear means start warming.
14. Smiling at each other means I like you.
15. Lifting up eyebrows/wink means flirtation.
16. Looking around means hiding your true feelings.
17. Tender kiss on the side of your lips means you’re mine.
18. Wetting your lips means waiting for a kiss
19. Tear drop means I’m losing you.
20. Crying means I lost you.

Letting Go

2008-06-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

Journey

2008-06-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

Why love sometimes makes us cry? Perhaps this is the real essence and mystery of love... i received a text message telling that my special friend was with someone special and they will be having a dinner... at first i thought that it was just okay with me... but deep inside me it hurts me so much.... why? And i told my self that this is just a process so that i may purify my self in my journey towards the great light of the dance of life and LOVE...

Monday afternoon

2008-06-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

It was a Monday afternoon when I sent message to my special friend and asking to have a dinner with me… I never expected this. I don't even know what to call these feelings...do they have a name? During our conversation I felt that I was afraid of losing you…

short trip

2008-06-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in destiny? I asked this question because I experienced it… I always believe that love is a great feeling, mixed emotion, a very adventurous experience. I thought that I have had one way or another felt - love. Then, it happened unexpectedly. Two souls may do find each other. We met because we rode on the same jeepney going home after our work. The first time we saw each other we exchanged smiles and that smile led to staring with each other and that experience led to excitement then attraction. We exchanged numbers and sent each other text messages.

After a series of exchanged messages each day I asked this individual to allow me to have dinner with me one particular time, it was the weirdest thing I ever felt. In that dinner, I stared and got a look back. It was instant connection. I felt stranded in my body. Something that I never felt in all of the dates I've had. Friday night after office is our first official date. We talked for a while and ordered our meal. We were having such a great and awesome time. Had a lot of stories to share with each other. And I asked if it is okay to go in a private place so that we may have a more private and intimate conversation, we sat down in simple but elegant living room in an exquisite suite. Talked for some time and we looked at each other. Then we kissed! My God, we kissed on our first date which I don't usually do.

But it was different in all the kisses I had. This time, all I can hear are our heartbeats. I felt that the world just stopped. I cannot feel and hear anything. It seems that the movie we are watching just stopped. I feel that the moon and stars are staring at us and they are smiling and clapping because two souls meant for each other became one. As if we were lost in a very faraway place that no one can reach. It was like there were fireworks even if there is none. And from that night on, I do believe that LOVE will grow in perfect time and space, it is a one in a lifetime magical feeling that no one can replicate… two souls meant for each other will journey as one…

And I found Love...

2008-06-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

I always believe that Love is a great feeling, mixed emotion, a very adventurous experience. I thought that I have and had, one way or another felt Love. Then it happen
We met because of work, we were introduced. Nothing at all. Not a thing, not even an excitement, not a single attraction. Or maybe, I'm at the work place. A client-supplier relationship is never an option to me before, for a simple reason - it might and it can affect our professional life. We exchange numbers since we are at the same world of sales and marketing.
I had another meeting with them and by that time, it was the weirdest thing I ever felt. I looked and got a look back. It was instant connection. I felt grounded in my body. Something that I never felt in all of the dates I've had.
Saturday night, in the "STRANDED" event that my company supported which their company's supporting too. Our first official date.
We talked for a while, met some of colleagues in the party. We were having such a great and awesome time. Had a lot drinks. Got tipsy, we sat down beside the dock. Talked for some time and we looked at each other. Then we kissed! My God, we kissed on our first date which I don't usually do (as if). But it was different in all the kisses I had. This time, all I can hear are our heartbeats. I felt that the world just stopped. I can't feel and hear anything. It seems that the party just stopped. That there was no one there but the two of us. As if, we were lost in a very faraway place that no one can reach. It was a feeling that I can see fireworks even there's none. Butterflies inside my stomach.
And from that night on, I know for a fact that I was and will always be STRANDED with LOVE....common? Maybe... for me it’s one in a life time... a magical feeling that no one can replicate....

The Irony of LOVE...

2008-05-20T01:27:00.000-07:00

Love is not destroyed by A single failure Or won by single caress... it is a Life time venture in which we are always Learning, discovering and growing...the greatest irony Of Love is Letting go when you need to Let go.. we Loose someone we Love Only when we are destined to find someone else who can Love Us even more than we can Love Ourselves...On falling Out Of Love, take sometime to heal and then get back On the horse...but don’t ever make the same mistakes Of riding the same One that threw you the first time...

I will always love you...

2008-05-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL! YOUR EYES ARE THE MOST PERFECT THING IN THE WORLD! I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANY TEARS FALLING DOWN ON YOUR EYES. IF I JUST BE REBORN AND WISH TO TELL HIM. "COULD SHE JUST LOVE ME" WHY COULD JUST SHE LOVE ME? AND CAPTIVATED THIS FEELING I FEEL FOR HER. IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING I’VE SHOWN YOU.I GUESS IT’S TIME FOR ME TO SAY "ENOUGH". MAYBE THIS IS THE LAST TIME. YOU KNOW I JUST CAN’T GO ON, I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU DON’T. THAT IS THE MOST UNREALITY IN MY LIFE. JUST TO TELL YOU GIRL! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU; EVEN YOU LEAVE YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE ALREADY.

To let go...

2008-05-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

THE GREATEST IRONY OF LOVE IS LETTING GO WHEN YOU NEED TO HOLD ON AND HOLDING ON WHEN YOU NEED TO LET GO.....

The fire of Love...

2008-05-01T02:13:00.000-07:00

Love is like a friendship caught on fire...

In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce...

But still only light and flickering... As love grows older...

Our hearts mature and our Love becomes as coals, Deep-burning and unquenchable...

A Night in February

2008-04-30T03:46:00.000-07:00

“To love is to burn, to be on fire. Love is a fancy or a feeling.” No, it is immortal like Juliet (for Romeo), Guinevere (for Sir Lancelot), and Isolde or Iseult (for Tristan). “To die for love what can be so romantic?”

Sometimes . . . . . . . love can be “everyday implied but never absolutely declared in speech.”

I may not know yet “the impolitic cruelty of dividing two hearts long attached.”
But I do know that when one loves there is nothing lost.

“For there is nothing lost that may be found if sought.” “Love is all very well, unfortunately.”

“We cannot rely on our hearts to lead us to our most suitable direction.” That is may be why our heads were created and placed on top of our hearts. But then again, is there not wisdom and truth in this Norse saying that “The mind knows only what lies near the heart.”

In spite of all the conflicts and contradictories found in love, “while it does last, it feels great when you’re in love.”

More Thoughts on Love

In spite of all the fantasized realities and dreams about an ideal love that can never be true and fully realized in real life, “while it does last, it feels great when you’re in love.”

Though sometimes dreams can never come true, it can become realities. For some realities came out of dreams. But sometimes realities are mistaken for dreams. Beautiful dreams that are too good to be true. In this case, we may have become blind. Blind of seeing the truth in the reality of a situation or circumstance.

A night in February 1999, from Labyrinths in the Abyss

This is our second guest post written by Amber

Destiny…..

2008-04-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

I believe we meet people in our lives not by chance, not by accident, but by destiny. It is a conspiracy of all the forces in the world to make it happen. I met you not by a stroke of luck, not by the click of the mouse, not by the scan and search via personal computer but by a stroke of fate. I may not know you that much yet, but I know it is destined, and I know that we will get to know more of each other as the day passes. And as I look at the picture that was attached to your file I cannot stop myself thinking when I could hardly see you or meet you personally. By that looks you've got evident in your picture, I know you are a good person and I am very thankful that I found a friend in you…

A Self - Test on Love

2008-04-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

In the Bible, we read in St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians about the different facets of love. The letter goes: "Love is kind, love is gentle, love is patient, it's not selfish...."

Here is a self - administered test to help you know whether or not you are a loving person:

1. You care for someone becasue of his/her:

a) Looks

b) Popularity

c) Personality

2. You like someone becasue of his/her:

a) Attractiveness

b) Talent

c) Attitude

3. You are affectionate only when:

a) You are asking a favor

b) You feel lonely

c) You want to express how much that person means to you.

4. You feel compassion for the needy because:

a) Your mother insisted that you feel sorry for the needy when the truth is, you really don't care at all.

b) You are obligated because your school has a fund drive for the poor.

c) You sincerely empathize with those who have less.

5. You are the type of person who would say:

a) To see is to believe; I always need proof

b) What the majority believes, I also believe, I go with the flow

c) I always find out what the truth is first, before I form an opinion

Just leave your answer to the comment box and i am happy to answer if you are a loving person or not. Thank you and continue to Love.

Someone....

2008-04-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

I’m still waiting to meet that someone who I can share my dreams, my passions and take adventures together without limitations. Someone who is loving and sweet, someone who can sit beside me never says a word and yet we both feel each other that it is the best conversation we have. Someone I can learn new things and share what I know. Someone whose smart, knows a little of everything and not boring. Someone I can love! Someone who wants to know the real me… I won’t give up looking for that someone... miracles happen every day! “At some point, you have to make a decision... Boundaries don’t keep other people out... they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how were made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines... Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. But if you are willing to take the chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular! " For that someone... Take a chance with me... who knows... nothing is impossible!

...reminiscing

2008-04-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

picture by lucile1234

I woke up this morning with a smile on my lips as I remembered yesterday’s unexpected event. Although it was a simple message from someone you had a crush on when you were in college it was still something to be happy about. I was amazed to see his name on my inbox, with his friendly message. Suddenly I felt like that I have a long, black, shiny and beautiful hair touching the floor. I didn’t expect it from someone famous and great. He didn’t even know that I exist when I was in college!

I don’t know him personally. Luckily he belongs to a well known family of artists that I’m able to grasp bits and pieces of news about him from the local media. His father is a great film-maker, while his two brothers are also artists specializing in various media particularly modern art and photography. Wow...How I wish this will be the start of a wonderful friendship between us…I won’t bother thinking about why on earth he suddenly recognized my existence…’coz I’ll just keep on dreaming that everything is a reality.lol. :)

This is our first guest post written by
Anmari.

My one and only...

2008-04-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

I found you and I don’t want to let you go

I felt those warm hands and I don’t want to let them go

You saw me lonely and gave me a warm embrace

You save me from those dark night of my life and gave me a lamp that played as a light

In my journey you gave me strength and show me that I’m just not a person who has a name but a person that has reason...

Love vs. Commitment

2008-04-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

...the word LOVE is far different from commitment. Love is a gift that anyone can have, but commitment is a sacrifice for Love that not anyone is capable of... it's just so sad that the word commitment is enclosed with responsibilities and with duties which makes it heavy, which makes other people afraid. they maybe ready for Love but not for commitment.... but come to think of it... isn't LOVE enough to keep a commitment?"...

The Mystery of LOVE...

2008-04-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

This is the mystery of LOVE - our journey of ups and downs of our love affairs...the so called love and dance of the true meaning of faith, hope and greatest of them all LOVE...

When i was with you...

2008-03-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Babe,

Life seems lifeless without you. I have to go far away from you because of my work, but believe me my heart is still with you, around you. Mind is not with me it is also with you. Now tell me how would I perform my duty far away from you.

I pray to God please arrange the circumstances in such a way that I again meet you forever. Separation from you is unbearable for me. I recollect the days and moments that we have passed together and shared funny jokes in solitary moments.

When I was with you everything was looking so beautiful and I got the confidence. A new approach towards life had come up deep inside me.

I hope you would be feeling same as of me. I pour my heart here and wish you meet me at least in dream so I get some solace for the time being.

Yours only,

Chris

The secret we share together....

2008-03-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Love;

I envision you painting during the rain, the music turned up loud and you are in your world. You are intensely aware of subtleties in physical expressions and movements of your surroundings. Your strokes are rhythmically one with your feelings and the music. Touch after touch, you begin to feel the meaning that is developing deep within you and it comes to life in front of you.

May love, I pour you another glass of Champaign and as I brush past you, your heart beats so that you can feel it and we are both aware of the moment. My eyes look deeply into the window of your soul and I see the passion that you are feeling. When my hand touches yours, it is electric as our souls become intertwined together.

I anticipate a journey of faith, hope and love together - three diamonds found so easily - a secret that we share together.

My heart is with you.

chris

Is there really a Miracle?

2008-03-17T03:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to change my topic for today in lieu with the observance of the passion of the Christ. Instead of writing my love letters my article on how to be successful in online investment and MLM article I decided to share with you my realizations about miracle. Once we get to the place where we can just leave all of the circumstances in our life and our affairs in the hands of God and his Infinite Wisdom, we can rest assured that everything is going to be okay. Sure, we all understand this and we are sure that we can totally depend on Infinite Wisdom in our lives and we come to depend on this.

Our hearts and souls tell us it is so and we have proven it to be true in the past. It is a promise that has been given to us to claim in our lives when we finally decide to totally leave everything in our lives up to God. When we truly surrender to God, there is no way that we can make a mistake or make a mistake in any way. We are protected and nothing can come our way to harm us. The best things will happen in our lives and everything will be worked out for our good and the glory of our God. We must focus on God, on the good, on the Divine Order which is omnipresent, that way our life situations are well taken off and we are able to accomplish the goals in the distance.

All of our needs are met and of and we will be given more than we could have dreamed of or hoped for. There is truth in this Biblical verse, ‘but my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches.’ But to experience such a life of miracles we must surrender, submit, and believe that there is a power beyond what we can see, a power so majestic and so capable. The power which orchestrates the orbiting of the galaxies, this same power is available to you, right now, only if you let it take care of your life situations.

After we place our lives totally under the direction of God, our life will change for the better. The problems in our life will vanish away and the obstacles we deal with will be totally removed. Adversity that is suffered in our life will be transformed into something good and beautiful and those who were at one time against us will be turned towards us. When we leave things up to God, we can expect all this and more, once we finally allow everything in our lives to be under His guidance and care. The key to experiencing a life of miracles is in surrender, in aligning our lives with the Supreme Order and most importantly in BELIEVING and FAITH.

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The Waiting...

2008-03-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

Still the stars aren’t there to shine upon me…
The night is cold but I’m melting,
I searched in the breeze but I found dust,
I am enfolded with this feeling that creates a black hole in me,
Absorbing each particle left in my heart,
Leaving pain that creeps down to my soul,
So that tomorrow, I won’t be me anymore.

I peeped over the window to imagine what have been,
Feeling the weakness that brought me down,
I hurt to see me fooling myself,
Waiting for her return…
Grieving for something, that is lost in the dark,
Retrieving the blissful days gone by, now hidden amidst the night.

The wind brushes on my cheek, numbing my skin.
The cold impulses crawl throughout my dying feeling.
I let myself be carried to where it takes me…
…to the emptiness…to devastation…
My tears are falling…
My heart is breaking…
And never will I know how to love again...

My Gem and My Angel

2008-03-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

My Gem and My Angel,

I have never been so scared in my life, to think that you are on the verge of loosing someone you LOVE you feel like you don't have the strength anymore. I often cry myself to sleep wishing that you would hold me so tight and never let go and promise that everything would be alright.

I LOVE you with my whole being, and I remember that I made a vow to LOVE you for as long as I shall leave and I meant it. I can't imagine life without you, the thought of your touch that makes my whole body shiver, the love that you giving me day by day makes me look forward to a brand new day, every second that we spend together will always be cherished in my heart. Moments go by, days go by but memories of you and I will never leave this heart of mine.

Every time you hold me close to your body I feel the connection that is very powerful and strong and it's a kind of a connection that would move mountains and cross the deepest oceans, for you cause there is nothing I would n't do for you cause you are my GEM and MY ANGEL

I LOVE you my ANGEL and I wish that you would never doubt that.

Written with Love and with tears running down from my eyes.

love,

chris

My Promise...

2008-03-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

Why do you make me fall?

2008-03-07T01:08:00.001-08:00

Why do you make me fall

Whenever I feel your care

Please don’t care for me too much

For my feeling’s getting stronger

Why do you make me fall

Whenever you tell me you miss me

Please don’t often say that

For you’re making me miss you much more

Why do you make me fall

Though I know friends are all we could ever be

What a crazy man I have been

To fall in love with you

Who won’t catch me after all

LISTENING…

2008-03-07T01:04:00.000-08:00

You may not be the most perfect person in our world nor the greatest partner one could ever have. But having heard your sentiments, your stories somehow made me complete again. It would be tough I know, but somehow, knowing that you are now here, we could just hold our hands tight once again and never let go. Despite the hard times, despite the things that came our way. Yesterday is done but tomorrow is just beginning. And I'm hoping that everything will turn out well. I'll hold your hand once more and go through life with you. No assurances yet I'm willing to take the risk just to be with you.....

Waiting for you...

2008-03-05T03:16:00.000-08:00

My Rainbow,

It's been awhile since you left to go to United States to work and settle for good. I was left here with a promise of meeting you again after a year. How could it be? You've gone to be with your love.

I am no better than her. You were of the same kind. I am not. But why leave me with such a promise? What am I to you? A friend really? You did not let me feel that way. There is something more.

With the way you touched and looked at me. Your happiness and laughter when were together spoke of love. Nothing's been spoken. There was no need for explanation. But you did. Why would you care of how I feel when you're with her? Why being with her put sadness in your eyes? And now, you left me a promise.

Shall i wait for you like you want me to? Shall I go on my way? My heart is hoping. And waiting against my will. They say that if you really want something, the universe will be on your side to have it. Well, I do want you. And I wish for you.

To see you again is what my heart desires. To speak of love untold. Beyond the limits of race and culture. Unbounded of any rules and laws. Until then, I'd always be your friend. Until then, I'll remember you...For always...

Waiting For You,

chris

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2008-03-04T02:55:00.000-08:00

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Destiny

2008-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Love,

I know that you are not believing about my feelings towards you. You don't know how much I care for you..from the time we used to be with each other until the time we became together and how I wish that no matter how big the difference of us in terms of culture, tradition, religion and beliefs still the love shouldn't affect us. I really mean it...because no matter the distance, my heart beats the same only in one direction and that is You. I appreciate the time that we met and became part of your life but still I'm praying that I hope that someday will come wherein I will be part of your whole. There's nothing impossible in love especially when we are meant to be by the grace of God. I will wait for you...because I really love you and I won't stop in loving you...it's a promised. Whenever we meet again it's really a destiny and the destiny is neither a choice nor a chance but it is written, should be materialized and blessed.

Always loving you,

chris

One-nite stands

2008-03-03T04:59:00.000-08:00

Dear love,

It was just supposed to be a romp. A silly, fun, sloppy last night in Angeles City. And it was. But, there was something in the way you looked at me. In the way you spoke to me. In the way you touched me. It made me never want to leave your side. It made me want to leave my life in the States and go back with you. You made a joke about our "future children," and I laughed with you, but felt a pang deep down. I'm not this kind of person. I am perfectly fine with one-nite stands and have them often. In fact, I had two in the three nights preceding meeting you. I knew you were English. I knew I'd probably never see you again. And that made you attractive in the beginning. Easy.

But, it wasn't easy at all. And when I saw you so briefly at the airport, I couldn't even bring myself to say Goodbye. And now I'm home. And you're back there. And I can't stop remembering how you smelled. How you felt. How you spoke to me. I know how to get a hold of you; but, I know I won't. I just need to go back to my real one-nite stands. The ones without the heart attached.

chris

Chocolate-coated coffee beans

2008-03-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

"Oi may pangit na nag-text."

For God’s sake, it’s five in the morning. The sun hasn’t even reached South China Sea yet. Nobody wakes up this early, especially when you are currently on your semestral break. Eyes still closed, I struggled to search for my phone.

Can we mit? Starbux Katips. Pls.

Adrenaline bolted up my veins faster than the effect of caffeine caused by the espresso Ive been drinking for months now. For someone who had just been on a drinking session the night before, this certainly killed my hangover.

Its been five months. What does he want from me?

Y? Wazup?

Pathetic. Out of all the questions running in my mind, that was all that I can manage to write.

Cant sleep. Bin bothered by so many thngs l8ly. Pls. lets mit.

I never thought that once again, you would cause me anxiety. It’s been months, but still I am not so sure if I am ready to see you again. I can’t take the risk.

La me pera eh. Sembreak, la allowance.

don’t wori ako bahala. Pabertdey mo n lang sakin. Pls

With that text, I accepted defeat.

ok. 1 pm. Starbux katips.

What the hell am I doing?

I know that I am jeopardizing the so called serene life that I had been enjoying without you in my life. I would like to believe that Ive been okay. Except for the occasional abuse of my tear ducts, I have managed without you. I actually found someone to like. I just dont know if I would still be into him by five oclock this day.

Welcome back to my life.

Five months ago at about the same time, I arrived at Starbucks putting to use every inch of the fashionista in me; now I couldnt care less even if my hair was not in place. Just an exaggeration, of course I give a d*mn about how I look, just less effort I guess. I stood outside the establishment which used to mean a lot to the both of us.

Relax. Its just him

But then its not just you. Its YOU. You are the ghost that haunts me every now and then. You are the past that I have long wanted but cannot seem to run away from.

I entered the glass doors and was immediately welcomed by the familiar aroma of freshly brewed coffee. The interiors may have changed a bit, but it still is a sanctuary of memories, both good and bad. I glanced around.

Late as usual

I reached for the newspaper on the other table and began reading.

Really, Nancy Castiliogne broke up with Paolo Contis?

Hey! I looked up. Why do I feel like I had been in this scenario before? Dejavu. Only this time I wasnt able to read the obituaries and you werent wearing polo and khaki.

I stared at the clock. 2 pm.

Lets just get this done and over with while theres still some logic left in me.

So what are we going to talk about?

Let me get some coffee first. Caramel---"

Espresso.

If only I could give you a mirror just so you can see how you look like dumbfounded. Kodak moment. Priceless.

Right, you dont drink frappe anymore. Sorry.

Just in case you forgot, frappe reminds me of you and I dont want to be reminded.

As soon as you reached the table I immediately asked you. If I put up with this much longer, my heart would probably deteriorate.

So? The silence deafened me. Even though it was only five minutes, it seemed like forever just waiting for you to speak. Suddenly I felt like a character in a video game wherein every wrong move would cause my power level to go down and would leave me lifeless.

I just dont know what to do with my life anymore"

You sounded like a lost little boy and as much as I wanted to leave you, I couldnt. Power level down by twenty percent.

Why me?! Dont you have other friends?

I need your advice to enlighten me. Youve always been rational and sweet. I really need that right now, I really need you right now.

4 hit combo. Power level down by forty percent. If I really was in a video game, I would be needing blood transfusion by now.

I tried to give you the sanest piece of advice though my mind is not properly functioning with you constantly staring at me. Then you held my hand. That was the final blow.

Fatality. Power level zero. Game over. You win. Again.

My mind told me to fight back and release from your grip but my heart doesnt have the will to do so. I missed the feeling of your hand in mine. It used to five me the warmest feeling, but now it shatters the wall of security that I have managed to protect myself with. Once again I was betrayed by my emotions. I still have feelings for you.

This cant go on. I must do something.

Without thinking, I stood up.

Ill just get some sugar.

What was I thinking?! There was a jar of sugar enough to feed an entire population of ants on the table. And my coffees nearly finished.

I stood at the counter and was attracted to the pack of chocolate-coated macadamia nuts. I bought a pack, went back to the table and popped one in my mouth. You made a face.

Since when did you start eating that?!

Why? This---

Oh my God. This isnt macadamia nuts. Its chocolate-coated coffee beans!

Being the poised person that I am, I smiled and ate the coffee beans like Ive been eating it my whole life. But in reality I was making a great effort not to puke.

is actually good. Wakes me up better than espresso.

The sweetness of the chocolate and the strong taste of the coffee was fighting in my mouth but somehow, coffee turns out to be much stronger as it lingers longer in my taste buds. The coffee bean completely erases every tinge of sugar that the chocolate had. No matter how much chocolate you coat the coffee bean with, tasting its pungent flavor is inevitable. Just like what we have, pleasant at first but it wont take long before the bitterness comes in. As much as I wanted to vomit, I have to swallow the coffee bean just as I have to accept the fact that this is how it will always be.

I dont want to taste the bitterness. I never want to experience all the pain that I went through, still here I am setting myself to be hurt by you once more. I closed my bag of chocolate.

I guess you couldn’t stand the taste huh?

I smiled. I smiled though the taste is crushing me. I smiled though you are killing me. Thats why you never had a clue about what was really happening.

I just don’t want to get used to the taste. Its effect wouldn’t be just the same.

Right. I don’t want to get used to the taste. I don’t want to get used to the momentary sweetness of chocolate and the lingering bitterness of the coffee bean. I don’t want to get used to you showing me care and affection for one hour and me crying my eyes out for days. This is one chocolate that I do not eat for pleasure. I will use it to wake me up and remind me that our relationship is one bitter chocolate-coated coffee bean that I must choose to swallow and digest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

Don't expect me to be there

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

I'm not over you yet

And I don't think I care

And I don't want to be your friend

I Don't Want to Be Your Friend

My Starbucks Experience

2008-02-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

I am willing to trade everything for a few moments of bliss even though it means enduring the pain that seem to go on for eternity. I develop amnesia every time you are around me. I’ve already forgotten that you took me for granted. Never mind that you made my eyes sore for weeks. I forgive you though you don’t show any signs of being sorry. I don’t care. I love you.

Come on phone ring

As if the phone heard me. Never has its ring sounded like an eighty-piece orchestra to my ears, until now.

Of course I have to keep up with my reputation of being late. Did you wait for my call?

My heart flew in the air as if it were a professional trapeze artist.

Hell yeah. I stared at the phone for about an hour just so you know. I was just about to throw it.

Of course not. I expected you to be late. What’s new? Joke! So?

I could hear drum rolls in the background. Will I make it or not?

Ill meet you in about two hours. Starbucks SM Pampanga?

By all means! Even if you want to meet up in Timbuktu I don’t care.

Ok. See you later. Bye.

Whipee!!! I’ll do a cartwheel. Oh I forgot, I don’t know how to.

I took a bath, not missing to scrub an inch in my body and after dozens of wardrobe changes, leaving my closet topsy-turvy; I finally managed to find something to wear. A light brown polo which you like so much that you always complimented me whenever I wore it.

All set, I headed towards the hustle and bustle of OG Road. I looked at my watch, one-thirty.

I’m early, now Ill really look excited.

I grabbed the newspaper from the other table and read every page from the headlines up to the obituary. At long last I saw you from my peripheral. Though I did not see you completely, I’ve already memorized every article of clothing you have. Every gesture that you make, the way you walk, grin and even how you comb your hair with your hands is imprinted in my memory.

Did you wait long?

Again you played your cards well. You were wearing your blue plaid polo and khaki pants. I have always had a penchant for guys wearing khaki and polo. Brilliant combination, of course you knew that ensemble of yours is not only my favorite. Its effect on me was like Achilles being struck on the heel, lethal.

No, just arrived.

Of course that wasn’t true.

You really look great.

See? He really likes this polo. I would like to thank Ralph Lauren for my outfit. It always work wonders for me, never fails. I’d buy something from there again the next time I shop.

Thanks, you look nice yourself. Polo and khaki?

Actually you looked so nice that I could stare at you forever.

You smiled. Your smile always made me weak on the knees. I felt like a candle that was slowly melting. Was it my imagination or did it really get colder in here. It’s as if a breeze suddenly blew and made my hair fly smoothly in the air. Ok, Im turning into a cheesy hopeless romantic freak now.

Uhmmm, I have a confession to make. I made sure to wear this. If my memory serves me well, you’ve always thought I look good in this. Plus, I want to be the nicest-looking guy in polo and khaki you’ll see today.

Now the candles completely melted and all liquid. God, why did you have to be so good with words?

What are you having? Oh I shouldn’t have asked. Caramel Frappuccino with a shot of amaretto and a bagel. Right?

What you said made me smile. You still haven’t forgotten what I want. But I don’t know why I did not want to order that this time. Maybe it was because I have always associated us with caramel frappe, overflowing with sweetness. But were not a caramel frappe anymore.

You got the bagel right, but I’ll have espresso instead.

Huh? You never liked espresso. You have always found it bitter.

Exactly. Bitter.

I want to try something new. Besides there are so many calories in a frappe, I’d probably swim for five hours to burn it. And I really need something to wake me up... badly.

Yeah I need to wake up. As soon as possible.

After five hours of talking and caffeine overload, you brought me home. Just as when I was about to get off the car, you held me back and gave me a peck on the cheek. My hand still perfectly fits yours but it doesn’t feel as perfect as it used to.

I’m glad were friends again.

Friends...

I could not look straight into your eyes.

Me too

I went straight to my room, took a bath and lay on my bed. I squeezed my eyes shut but I couldn’t seem to fall asleep. I don’t know if it was the caffeine or my logic battling with my emotion that is keeping me up. Pain is just like espresso. Bitter, but its effect are awakening and take a long time before wearing off.

Friends

Id be happy with that. It’s better than not having you. It’s better than losing you completely.

That was the happiest five hours of my life. I am willing to trade everything for a few moments of bliss even though it means enduring the pain that seem to go on for eternity. I develop amnesia every time you are around me. Ive already forgotten that you took me for granted. Never mind that you made my eyes sore for weeks. I forgive you though you don’t show any signs of being sorry. I don’t care. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much that I can’t seem to let you go. I don’t want to let you go. But I know that I have to, I don’t know when, but not now. Pathetic as I may be, I am still holding on to the very last hope that someday we still can be.

If only sanity could be awakened by a shot of espresso, then I would probably be heading towards Starbucks right now. Not only will I gobble up gallons of it, I would munch on an entire bag of coffee beans.

i have no right bringing you here

knowing what i know

feeling the way i feel
i have no right being so uncontented
being so confused
being so not for you

My unconditional love for a lifetime

2008-02-28T00:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Love,

I can't promise you that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that the future will bring us many rainbows. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect or that life will be easy. I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, my respect, and my unconditional love for a lifetime.

I can promise that I'll always be there for you, to listen and to hold your hand, and I'll always do my best to make you happy, and make you feel loved. I can promise that I'll see you through any crisis, and hope with you, dream with you, build with you, and always cheer you on and encourage you. I can promise that I'll share my dreams my world, and every aspect of my life with you.

I'll willingly be your protector, your advisor, your counselor, your friend, your family, your everything. And I believe that's what love is truly all about.

Always Yours,

chris

The gift of psychic connection

2008-02-28T00:18:00.000-08:00

Dear love,

I was trying to decide what I want to say to you but I'm not all that sure. You're so like me, in almost every way, it's starting to scare me a little. I can't help thinking that maybe we're soul mates; who knows. But don't you find it a little odd that we seem to have this psychic connection? Don't you find it strange that when I ring you, you just happen to be looking at your phone? When I know what you're going to say? When I'm thinking of you and it turns out you're thinking of me, too?

I honestly have no idea where to put my priorities - in a girl I have known for 6 years, or in a man I've known for only two weeks? I still can't believe it hasn't been longer. I know so much about you and yet I only met you two Sundays ago. How odd. We're not an item, and we're not best friends, but I do know that we're soul mates, that we're meant to be together. I know it can't happen right now, and that upsets me, but I'm happy in knowing that I'm slowly, so slowly, falling right head-over-heels in love with you.

Is that really so bad?

Perhaps it is. If only I knew you didn't love her, and wanted to love me, but I don't. Maybe I will one day. I only hope it's soon!

The Dance of Life and Love

2008-02-27T04:03:00.000-08:00

There were two hearts who met in a dance. That moment was magical. There was a sweet song playing, there was harmony and soon, LOVE is in the air. They fell in love and they started building castles in their dreams and promised forever will all certainty. But, somewhere in the midst of the fun, they got lost in the dance,something went wrong but they can never do anything. They were just drifting away, their fortress falling apart. There were so many questions, but no one had an answer. The music stopped and then there was silence.

When we truly love someone, we give our best and let that person see the pureness of our intention. But sometimes that person makes us cry and hurt us for the wrong and unknown reason. That someone must have love us but he has not loved us enough to make him stand for what he truly felt.

Now we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of forgetting. We have burdened ourselves long enough but we still can't get out of this emotional trap. Let us remember that the more we try to forget someone we love, the more painful letting go would become.

Sometimes we never have to take that person out of our hearts at all, for he will always be there, no matter how hard we try to drive him away. It isn't his presence that makes this difficult. It is our stubbornness toaccept our destiny that aligns forgetting next to impossible. We keep a cold face but deep in our hearts there is still that lingering hope for reconciliation. Somehow we still believe that we can rekindle small embers and relight the fire that once burned in our hearts. These thoughts give us hope but it also breeds the seeds of loneliness and despair.

The only way to forget is to accept and the only way to move on is to look ahead and let the footprints of the past be blown by the wind of time. Only then can our hearts find a partner in the dance of life and hopefully never get lost again.

I love you because you are you.

2008-02-27T03:47:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, knees up in the corner, waiting for you to walk through that door, smiling and coming up to me, telling me about your latest adventure, something silly, and funny and i will smile and ask you to sit. Later will walk off together, hand in hand, talking to strangers awed by the cracks in the sidewalk or a street sign that makes us laugh. We will decide together on the 100% perfect dinner, maybe watch a movie, go out dancing and laugh at some people, fall in love with each other. And finally, we will fall into bed together too tired to make love, but full from our stomachs to our heads to owe toes with the adventures of our day and the eternal beauty of our lives together. i love you becasue you completed me. I love you becasue you accepted me... and i love you because you are you....